Arranged marriage is a matter that intrigued me long before my awkward dating phases and irritated me even more during it !, through my frustrated relationships I felt the brunt of it
but by no means is this a frustrated memoir of a spurned lover,but the gingerness hast to be in there somewhere.
Many a revolutionists and liberalists have opposed it and have fallen prey to it later, many will and many still continue falling to it.
I was watching an American series the other day when one of the characters in it was mocking the stereotypical Indian in it about arranged marriage and how funny it was to them and that’s when it struck me how alien & funny it must be to them, what we consider a normality.
I’m sure lot of people will blame it on the cultural divide and how holy we are compared to them and the moral polices in side every Indian will pin the blame on the “ evil western culture”, whatever it may be at the end of the day, we’re humans and the primal instincts of finding your own mate should remain the same.
When I was very young, and when I threw this question to my ma, she would give me an answer that a seven year old needed to hear and owed it on fate & what not, the usual saccharine coated expletives u find around in our movies.
And when I got into the rebellious teenage mode, the questions coupled with the first crush and relationship changed accordingly, and guess wht? So did the answers from my mom. Now the blame was laid down to better understanding and acceptance between two individuals.
But I had a counter argument now, the years of MTV revolution did have its effect!, I asked her how is that the whole world seemed to love happily, while it’s only our country that seemed to be this way. But boy! Did she have a counter argument in waiting,she replied to me with a sense of nonchalance : How about the divorce rates son??? ;)
I was zipped right then and there and left back defeated in to my room. What she told me made perfect sense, what about the divorce rates??
While the westerners mocked our arranged marriages , we don’t have comparatively many Indians roaming around courts and settling cases and paying lump sums to their attorneys, we do have our share of divorces but they are far & few when compared to their levels.
The westerners or the “outsiders’” as the dirty cynical Indian in me likes to put it seemed like they were doing the sane thing, after all choosing your mate over one meeting your parents or your marriage counselor arranged , dint seem like the most smart thing around!
The “outsiders” seemed to analyse after a long courtship and wooing(bare with the 16th century reference, I seemed to have studies way too much shake spear in my 10th :D ) and then have a mock living in session, some even resort to a kid to get their end on tht ! Before finally saying “i Do”
After all the analysing and mock sessions, we still seem to kick their asses when it comes to marriage success rates!, so how does this work?? how exactly does a girl n a guy who met over one meeting and some flirting over the phone, strictly after fixing of the marriage , manage to slot in perfectly??
is it in the stars??? My ass!!, I don’t believe in those mumbo-jumbos, I like to believe everything complex on earth has a good enough answer down here on our GU ol land itself, looking up to the stars for everything is way overrated and overdone! :)
I’ve come across many a cousins, friends, ex-girlfriends who have resented the thought of arranged marriage but as of now slotted themselves perfectly into the system, some throwing their seemingly perfect long relationships up the shore for the pride of the family, some due to some sheer “Emotional ATTYACHAR!” from their families. While some have, throwing their perfect ideologies down the drain, But they all seemed to fall into the “ trap” eventually and they all seem to live perfectly happy!
However cheesy and filmy it sounds , it all boils down to: “it’s all about loving your family”. This was the tag line of one those karan johar tear jerkers, may be this along the way solves another mystery for me how these movies turn out to be such major hits! As they all seem to be relating to it.
An Indian girl who falls into the paradox usually after the initial teenage rebellion & crazy mis adventures called relationships as they tend to forget during the crunch time , why they rebelled in the first place and tend to start thinking about responsibilities, duties etc etc , she has towards her folks, u know the usual Hindi movie shit!nd this combined the usual emotional attyachar from parents tends her to lose her rebellion and falls meekly into the trap.
Trust me, there are many who break this trend but they are far and few between n they are usually looked down with prying eyes by the “community”. The same bloody community the other lot tends to think they saved their family from. Just in case u were thinking that ‘m a sexist , the guys fall as meekly to all the above reasons and some of these men are easily considered the tough cookies , u see around.
The after marriage part is what intrigues me more, it’s where the mystery lies and how two people get to the action(oh shut up! U dirty minds:) and how two people who barely know each other get into their perfect marriages while their calculated “outsiders” counterpart comparatively seem to fail more often than not.
After some major ass pondering here’s what ve come out with:
*Lesser expectations
You don’t expect much from a friend that you’ve met overnight when compared to your best mate for many a years, most of these arranged marriages people are still getting to know each other to be frank. Lesser expectations=Lesser problems=lesser fights, kinda simple innit?? while the “outsiders’”have planned a lot through their courtships and mock sessions and have built many castles in mid air, when things don’t end up quite as they planned, it starts trouble in paradise=D>IO>R>C>E!
* Compromise levels
These couples tend to compromise and tend to bear with a lotta problems,their high levels of resistance is legendary which isn’t surprising cause this country bore the Britishers without a trace of a revolt for nearly 100 years and it took them another 100 to push them off! Marriage is often a compromise for them , and they seemed compromised all they’re life and they get through their lives like how our country bore the Britishers.
*Relationship challenged
These are the lot, mostly guys who think they just can’t seem to get in a relationship, no matter how hard they try, while some just don’t bother, they think arranged marriage is the best way they’re gonna get close to the opposite species and they’re plainly tired of playing with themselves :) and when they managed to get their hands on a marriage, they hold on to it like their life depended on it, do u see a problem arising in here ever???
*It’s in our eff-in DNA
the other day one of my mates called me from Sydney, telling me about the girl he met recently and liked a bit,in sometime he was already talking worried about a relationship even though he’d been out with her just for date !
Like our movies we seem to commit easily, 85% of the relationships, however revolutionary they intended it to be in the first place , starts talking about marriage and the life after it . We seem hell bent on committing and on getting committed, how much ever compromise the marriage is in the first place, part of getting committed comes easily to us.
After all this ranting &facts sessions, I may end up falling for the arranged marriage paradox or may end up stuck with a quickie divorce, whatever it may be, If given a choice I chose the latter, for I do love my parents , but my means of returning their love isn’t by blindly marrying the person I have to select from the choices they put in front of me, considering my record , I may end up committing a folly or a bad marriage, hey! At least the mistake would be my own and I can live with tht!
n667;)
